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Do you know what makes your partner feel most loved?

The Emotional/Love Bank Account

In any relationship, even casual and business ones, goodwill is a key ingredient to it’s success.  Goodwill is the extent to which you trust and feel positive about the other person.  If something bad does happen challenges come up, the more goodwill in the relationship, the greater the chance of recovering from the setback.  If there is little or no goodwill, event the smallest or most trivial issue can become a big deal, sometimes even threatening the entire relationship.

“The straw that broke the camel’s back”, so to speak!  Rebuilding, nurturing and sustaining goodwill is essential if you hope to have a good relationship.

In any primary relationship, one sure way to improve goodwill is to find out what makes your partner feel loved and cared about.  However, the problem is that we tend to assume that what makes us feel loved is what makes our partner feel loved.  For example, most people tend to touch other people in the way that they like to be touched.  Assumptions like this can be very damaging to relationships.  The fact is what feels good to one person may not feel good to another.  Communication and openness is essential.

Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five languages of Love” addresses this issue by identifying the five different ways (languages) that make people feel loved.

1. Acts of service

2. Words of affection

3. Touch

4. Quality of Time

5. Gifts

Here is an exercise that I give to my clients.

1. Reflect on which of the five languages of love make you feel loved and cared about.  Write down your top three.

2. Guess what YOU THINK your partner’s top three are.

3. With your partner discuss and clarify.  Be specific (e.g. find out the exact words of affection)

4. Make a list of 12 things that make you feel loved and share it with your partner.  Find 3 things that your partner is willing to do each week from your list and put it up on the dresser (some place where you’ll see it each day).  Your partner is to do the same.  Review your progess as part of your Dairly Check-In.

When you do this, watch what happens to your connection!